personal crisis

It feels like it has been so long since I have been on here. Oh man why does time fly when you are having fun but it seems to stop when you are going though one of the hardest times ever? Over the last couple of weeks I have been so stressed out about an incident that I wish I could take back. I won't go into details because it is far to complicated. I only wish that someone could just sit me down and talk some sense back into my head. I am so sick and tired of everyone telling me that everything will be ok and that it will all sort it self out when I don't feel like anything will ever be the same again. If people care for me at all then why can they not be blunt and just tell me that yes I screwed up and things will be different. Why do they always feel the need to sugar coat everything? I feel like I am disoriented from myself, it's almost like I just put on a happy face everyday just to avoid answering questions that I am trying so hard to run away from the answer that I think will find me at the other side of the door. I feel like it is easier to take five steps back rather than one step forward at times. I don't like feeling this way but after everything that I have been through in just this issue alone, I don't know what else I can do. I almost feel like it would be easier if I just take myself out of the picture and let the chips falls as far away from me as possible. I learned a long time ago that if you don't fall in love then you can't get hurt, but what if you have already been hurt? Can a broken heart really break again? The answer to this is of course it does so of course it will.

RSC Pilgrimage 2008

So yesterday (11/15) I went on the second annual Religious Studies Club Pilgrimage. We first went to an FLDS meeting house in Eagle Mountain. I thought it was really interesting. They talked about how they still accepted the LDS faith as a religion and how they even considered it to be the Mother Religion. They talked about common misconceptions such as they don't believe in any kind of abuse or arranged marriages or incest. They also talked about how life was like growing up in the FLDS religion. I thought it was interesting that they did not fit the preconceived notion of that which we define polygomy. They were very open about everything and they both had the most wonderful sense of humor. When asked about the sleeping arrangements between wives Nathan ( the man we talked to) said with a serious face . . .
"I really big hamock" There are somethings that I still don't agree with about what they said but over all I really enjoyed it. The next stop was at the Buddist Temple in Salt Lake. When we walked in the first thing that you noticed was the incense. He talked about the symbols of the alters, the most interesting one was the budda for wisdom. He said that since the face is hidden, you must bow to see it. This is because it reminds us that we can not walk arrogent with pride we must also be able to bow down with humility. I really enjoyed going this year and opening my eyes to a whole new experience.

Thanksgiving Graditute

There are times in my life that I am most greatful for friends when I am so far away from home. I love the church and the systems that it provides. Today for example I was very sick. I was greatful for the fact that I have friends that are worthy priesthood holders. It is such a comfort to know that no matter what happens in life, we will always be taken care of. Being at this school makes me realize that friends and roommates become your family. You bond so fast with them that at the end of the year it is hard to leave them. I am so greatful for all of the positive influences in my life that encourage me to stay on track when all else seems lost. This includes family as well. I am so glad that my family is supportive of me in any of my decisions and they are more than happy to help out when I need it.

Why not live in the now?

Wow, so much has happened that it is difficult to know where to start. The semester is winding down so I am starting to get into the crunch mode. The one thing that I have really noticed lately is how much I have been focused on the future and forgeting about right now. The present is here and I have been walking through it blindly. Life is to be lived and not planned to a t, but it is so hard to get out of that groove of life. One of my new goals is to quit worring so much about things that happened in the past and not to map out the future. I just want to be in the now and grab every moment. So much of what I see in today's world makes me really think, shouldn't that be the other way around? I am not really looking for an answer, I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So, goodnight dear void.

Friends make the world go round

So over the last few days I have made two new friends that looking back now, I have no idea why we were not friends in the first place. I went to the Haunted Forest on Friday with a great big group from Reeder and this was the first time that I had spent so much time with these two people ( Laura and Deborah.) The Haunted forest was kinda lame so we decided to go to a haunted trail and corn maze tonight. It ended up just being Laura, Deborah and myself. So here we are standing in line waiting to go in and talking about how corney it could be. We begin to walk into the trail and follow the path that is created by hay bails. With random little goblins and monsters popping out, we yell because we are not expecting them but mostly to scare the other groups behind us. So here we are walking and we come into a wide open field and we notice that it smells like pigs. We take a step forward and step on a trampoline mat that is covered with a wet sand so it feels like poop. We all screamed for real because we were afraid that we had really stepped in it. It was so funny. The rest of the time that is all that we could think about. We really had a good time. I think that it is important to make friends when you are away from home because they become almost like your family. Long story short . . . Deborah, Laura and I will stay friends for a long time. Until next time . . . keep it real!

Why does school and stress go hand in hand?

So I made a very important connection today. School without stress is not school. However in my case stress without sickness is not stress. The worst part about being sick is I just got over being sick. I hate being the way I am sometimes. I hate the way that I think that I can control everything when I can't. I hate the way that I put so many expectations on myself and then make my self sick (literally) trying to push myself to get it done. I wish a lot of different things that I could change about myself. I don't want to change everything, for the most part I am pretty happy about the person that I am. There are some little things that I would not mind changing. My crazy super organized, perfectionistic, hectic hassle filled life has a tendency to get me overwhelmed at times. Ugh. . . I suppose now is the time to implement the "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." Well we will put this theory to the test and see if I am a stronger person at the end of all this. Until next time . . . keep it real.

My First Blog . . .

So I am new at this whole Blog spot thing. Let's be honest this is just a way to avoid doing homework that needs to be done. So as previously mentioned I am a junior in the psyc program at Utah State. This is kind of a scary time for me because I need to start thinking about Grad schools. YIKES!!! The one I really really want to get into is in Pennsylvania but that is also the con side of it. The distance away from my family. I have so much to get done in the next two years that it makes my head spin. Heck it does that when I think about just this week alone. But something that I have come to realize is that it is ok to live just one day at a time. Until next time . . . keep it real! ~Cholli~