Meeting of Minds . . .

Hey all you bloggers out there . . . it's me! Well here it is almost midnight and as usual my mind is racing a million miles a minute. It's contents filled with nothing and everything all at the same time. It's times like this when I almost feel like I am being two different people but at the same time. It's almost as if i'm afraid to say or show what I'm thinking on the inside so my outside is just left in a blank fixated state. I'm not going to get into to much detail but let's just say that I've spent the last couple of months in the company of someone who is pretty amazing. Grant it that 99.95% of this contact was via text and the other 1.05% was spent in quality face to face time . . . It's still left an impression on me. However it's not up to me . . . because if it were I'm sure that this would end very differently. This is usually the stage when Mr. Amazing uses the "You know you are a great friend." . . . Blah. I'm trying really hard NOT to read so much into this and just let it play one day at a time but I am so afraid of landing right back on square one again with just another bruise and another disappointment to show for it. Why does life have to be so flipping complicated? Just once I would like to know exactly what my life is going to look like, where I'm going to be, what i'm going to have. But no. I guess that's asking way to much. I suppose that's kinda the point though . . . supposed to be on faith. I think that even if I had any left it wouldn't turn out the way that I hope that it would. Maybe I should just face the fact that I am the "just friends" girl . . . I have tried and I have failed (multiple times) and sure I put on a great act that it doesn't bug me. Gotta love my sense of humor defense mechanism but then certain observant people point out that i'm using it and it just feels like the cut is getting deeper. I don't know what else to do . . . I guess this just means time to move on and get busy with school so I have another distraction to deal with for the next 2 to 5 years. After that I honestly have no clue. I'm getting so tired of running but I fear that is all I will be able to do for the rest of my life. The question is though what am I running from? My fears or my self? I guess I'll never know. Until next time . . . keep it real!